Many will say sex is pleasurable, however I have a different experience. For me sex has always been about,
Can you see me?
Can you hear me?
Do you understand me?
Of course I did not articulate this with those I was sexually intimate with. To be honest I can now articulate it because I’ve allowed The Holy Spirit into that area of my life.
As I continue to allow The Holy Spirit to teach me how to articulate and express my thoughts and feelings in every area of my life I am learning people’s choices will affect us.
Growing up I attended crèche, I do not remember much about my crèche days. In the past during sexual encounters and watching a movie with sex senses I would get grossed out and angry. (A desire to harm). I never knew the root or name of that emotion. In the past I’ve considered entertaining the same sex, however something within me has always said No. kissed a girl I have, taken it further I have not. Even in kissing the same sex, masturbating and pornography. Same thing grossed out, dirty and angry would be how I can articulate my response.
2017 after a fall (sex), during my exams I remember crying out and simple yet powerful saying “Lord who am I” God knew what I was referring to even though I was not specific in my cry. (Heart posture). I’ve gone through a season where I could not walk into a lingerie or sleepwear shop without being tempted and that frustrated me as I could not articulate my thoughts and feelings let alone I did not know the root of the temptation.
During my last exam, I had all the symptoms (according to the Internet) that could pass as “Travonna you are pregnant.” No I did not take a pregnancy test, I was afraid. Prior to this exam I had gone to the doctor as I was not feeling well (lack of iron).
I got the call during my exam! It was an Online exam and I saw the number as I was answering my last question.
When I arrived at the doctor I was panicking, as I knew the doctor will ask you to come in if it’s urgent.
My doctor simply said, “What’s going on? You’ve been here not long ago.” Previously I had been rushed to emergency due to a reaction from a particular coffee. With my doctor, again I could not articulate what was happening to me. I felt sick and I went to the doctor. Doctor asked me how I was feeling I told the doctor what I was feeling and then I got a prescription.
This time around, this cry was the loudest cry “Lord what’s wrong with me?”
“CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE!” Was the response I got.
Ohh I was not pregnant! I am learning sometimes God will leave you to believe things so that You make time for Him (Seek His Will for your life).
I did not understand what “change your lifestyle!” meant and I sure didn’t bother asking. I was moving on with my life it was summer time and I was going to have a good time that summer. So I thought.
Because I did not know how to articulate and express my thoughts and feelings. Whether the questions were happy or sad I turned to painkillers, alcohol, sex, people, academics, food, boxing and work. It was all about security and connection (a sense of knowing/feeling/desire of being one/belonging). I’ve always had questions!
This day it was hot, November is not the time you should be in bed when you live in Perth, Australia. But I literally could not walk.
In my previous posts remember 2017 I struggled to read the Bible? So I fed through watching sermons, movies (both Christian and Secular) and music (both Christian and Secular). A simple and soft voice “YouTube”. So I went on YouTube and my figure tapped on the very first upload, A movie!
In this movie, a father, son and daughter go camping. The boy goes into the dam on the kaykak and the daughter remains by the table near the camp site. The father runs into the dam to go save his son, whilst all of this is taking place a stranger has taken his daughter. The father and people at the camp site search for the girls whereabouts. After the police search, the father and son return home. They life is turned upside down as one could imagine. Later in the movie the father receives a letter. This letter led him near the camp site where his baby girl had been last seen. Fast forward the movie, the father learns that his daughter was sexually violated (sexual act without your permission. (Touch/feel/rub/grab/attempt/perform) and killed. The anger in me developed, I was ready to harm someone.
The Holy Spirit, gently “please forgive him.” ,I had paused the movie at this point, I could not continue. As I heard “please forgive him” I saw a man in a groundsman uniform, head facing down (for me it’s a symbol of shame, some may refer to it as cultural, yet some may say it’s a posture of pride). In this instance it reflected shame (hence the importance of developing a relationship with The Holy Spirit, (The Holy Spirit will teach you how to discern heart postures and ones motives) with a red baseball cap. I cried and I said “why Lord, what is it” I was home alone that day! I wanted my mum, one of the only days I would have tolerated her not so funny jokes according to my lens, but that day that’s what I wanted and could not have in my timing.
So I curled up and cried, this cry was no ordinary cry. I do not have the words or emotions to express those tears.
The Holy Spirit, “He didn’t know any better, tradition and culture led him to do what he did.”
I did not forgive immediately, it definitely took some time.
I know someone is probably saying why isn’t The Holy Spirit being specific with what this person did, well I am going through a journey where The Holy Spirit is teaching me the definitions of words. These a story behind why I dissect words. Yes my pain with words goes that far. It’s the kind of script titled “In the beginning”. A dictionary will not heal me only The Holy Spirit will. When I heal from within I will share. A testimony that will one day be known as “the gifted communicator that history said no, BUT God said let’s GO”. An instrument that will serve a purpose for the coming generations.
When The Holy Spirit said tradition and culture led him to his actions, He is referring to what I was told and have heard from people;
(1) you fell off the slide- this one is a zero chance. In my right mind today I don’t know how one can fall off a slide, hurt your private parts which leads to bleeding and the result is long months in hospital.
(2) it is/was believed when you take a young girls virginity you will be cued from AIDS. I did experience extreme bleeding, with colouring however I did not lose my virginity that way and I did not receive any illnesses.
Well, when I allowed The Holy Spirit to show me the root of my pain when it came to sex and my anger toward people I began to understand why I fought the way I fought. I began to understand why I saw and felt a particular way about sex.
Unfortunately this act did not only affect me sexually but it affected me in my trust with humanity and knowing my worth and value. WoW some of the areas I am called to speak on. Allow me to shed a tear, there is hope when you surrender to the one who heals.
Previously I never understood why I disliked tradesmen. I mean I could not stand seeing a tradesmen or the uniform of a tradesmen. I had settled it as I was above them and they were below me. Today that is further from the truth. Forgive me, I didn’t know the root to my cry.
I have spoken to men, young and wise about different topics but somehow when it came to Beliefs (Tradition, Culture and Religion) when my small mind was misunderstood my fists were ready for war. Forgive me, the young girl was trying to protect herself.
I have never understood women. Probably because I didn’t know myself. Lord I am sorry I swore I would never get married or have children, my ambitions were a cry for help. A cry I never knew it’s traces. Today I know you’ve called me to be a wife, mother and Kingdom Investor and you have said I will serve you in all of my assignments with elegance and excellence. I will apologise to my mother, our fights were my cry for you to see me, hear me and be my friend. Sorry mum in my difficulty of not knowing how to express my pain I made you cry.
My cry for children to have a voice and for their voice(s) not to be overlooked and underestimated, it’s still my fight, but this time I’m The Holy Spirits Vessel. Children I’m only there to serve for a moment (you will have fun with me, but please don’t compare me to mum and dad). Your Guardians are there for a lifetime. To the parents my hope is you learn to deliver your message(s) in a respectful manner, you’ve walked were your babies have walked and they have not walked in your shoes yet. Why not be fun? Make learning fun (I know I won’t understand until I have my own). Do not underestimate your child, The story of Joash comes to mind (2 Chronicles 24). Do not call them out of their name (you are planting a seed, that you sure will eat. Speak life to those dead bones). Please Parents and Teachers do not compare your children and students. “Kim” may not be good in Math, but “Kim” is great at something. To the leadership (Government) invest in the young. The Teacher’s need your help (financially and servant ship).
I’ve shared this part of my story, to simply say every choice you make in life will affect someone’s lifestyle. As The Holy Spirits vessel, I would like to say please seek Him and He will teach you how to discern. In this season I’ve been coming across a lot of content (movies/reality shows) that highlight spiritual powers. Friend The God I serve cares about your healing more than your service. Discerning will take time, but with a heart posture (cry, desire) to know God and self He will meet you even in the mist of a fall.
I cannot leave this forum without addressing the youth, it would be a disservice to my assignment.
Sex is spiritual whether you do not believe you are spiritual. Sex is spiritual. Every time you have sex with someone you are exchanging data. That data will affect your thoughts and emotions. Your thoughts and emotions will determine you’re lifestyle choices even when you leave “James” and move with “John”. James data from five years ago, will play up when you are now living with “John”. Think about that. A relationship with The Holy Spirit and Self will help you remain pure till marriage.
Every marriage has an assignment, whether that assignment will Build or destroy Gods Kingdom, that’s between you and the spouse you choose. Now if you want to build Gods Kingdom and build generational wealth may I suggest you allow God to choose a spouse for you.
Until them, Seek God by spending time with Him by journaling your thoughts and emotions, singing, drawing, dancing, being quiet. God will meet you at your deepest cry.
Before I sign off, may I recommend two books that have helped me on my journey to going within?
(1) “Win From Within Finding Yourself by Facing Yourself” by The one and only Ps John W Gray III
(2) “Wholeness” “Winning in Life From The Inside Out” by The only Ps Toure Roberts
My God, these two books are anointed and very timely. Every word! Every comma! It’s as though God was saying place the puzzle piece just like this, no move it here, yes well done good and faithful servant.
Please do not read these books as though you are going off at your boo. Please read these books as though you were studying for that unit you do not want to repeat.
I feel like aunty Travonna right now!
I do have one cry before I leave, would you help me send this cry to Heaven please?
Daddy God, please raise up your sons to teach our boys to walk in alignment with your Will for them from a very young age. Please raise up a multitude of men who are not ashamed to share their wounds and falls first with you in order for them to heal from within and secondly to serve you in their homes and in the rooms you have prepared for each one of them. Daddy I’m scared to be called to lead a generation of girls into healing only to hear later they fell because they were not pursued by a man who seeks you and serves you in truth. Daddy I send my cries to you and believe our soldiers are being prepared and equipped for your work first for their homes and thereafter into the fields. In Jesus Name I ask Amen.
Well friend, it’s definitely been healing to serve at this length today. It’s one thing to write in your journal. it’s another thing to crush the serpent when you obey God in Truth and Transparency.
I now leave you with the love of my friend The Holy Spirt.
Till Next Time,