Three years of my salvation, I’ve just been crying out to The Lord to heal me for me. I never thought He would ask me to write and speak about my journey to healing. Sitting at His feet in this season is rather essential, never do I want to lead people astray. I hope by sharing my pain from the mistakes to the highs of my journey will serve as an encouragement for someone on the journey to healing from within. In the past my safe place was found in people (friends, family, colleagues and sexual encounters) and opportunities (work and academics). I felt worthy, valued and needed when I could give and solve ones problems. 2014 a decision to marry prematurely would serve as a mirror of my pain within facing and finally presenting me to me on the outside. A sistuationship turned marriage that was fuelled by helping someone else achieve their goals. What do I mean by “helping someone else achieve their goals?”, simply put, you live and breathe for them. Your time and decisions revolve around them.

Please don’t tell me that is love! This is simply entering into something without knowing yourself. Your identity, Your worth and Your value

At 15 years old you have no clue of who you are and what you stand for, let alone your beliefs. (My passion is rising, but I will simmer it down for now, we are still at the introduction stage 😂). I’m coming for you youth, not to mother you but to show you my scars.

Yep for five years of 20 years of my life till 2014 that sistuationship was my identity. My life revolved around the lad. Please don’t prosecute the lad. I take ownership of my part, I was looking for an emotional connection when I was with him. I did not know myself nor what I stood for, so I remained despite the “hurdles”. (Hurdles deliberately placed).

To the youth of today, I see and hear your cries to be seen, accepted whilst remaining independent. I see it in your body language. I see it in your clothing. I see it in your tone. I see it with your poses. I see it with your flirting attempts. I see it with your giving and helping desires. I see it in your choice of words. I SEE YOU And NOW I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU! That’s what you are hungry for right? To be heard?

Side Note I discern majority of you desire to be in entertainment, the arts, sports and creative spheres and to be famous. (Another word for famous is to be seen or heard).

What if, when you walk into those rooms, you walk in to change the perspectives of creatives.

What if, when you step up on the stages, you step out in your full authority not to control but to serve

What if, you walk into the boardrooms knowing your identity, worth and value doesn’t come from a contract.

Well I know it’s possible.

Here’s another thing I see in you, the youth of today, Generation Z, you are vulnerable and self expressive and I like that about you, even the “introverts”, one just needs to be patient with you. Matter of fact, the “introverts” you are probably told you are “to emotional” Lol you are to see my spirit roaring as I type this. We will address this another time. Soon!

Why do I like that about you? Simply because I desire to be vulnerable and self expressive. Along with this my generation, Generation Y, We are emotionless! Generation Y, we need to let go of our parents fears and stop building out of fear and survival. We are the leaders of today called to lead a generation that desires to know THE TRUTH with TRANSPARENCY. So to the youth of today the leaders of tomorrow, here’s my suggestion to you, please teach me to be vulnerable and self expressive and I will teach you to discern who, when and how to share your story because I need your story. To Generation X, may you please sit with us a little longer? To Generation X, are you willing to discern our cries? To Generation X, are you willing to hold the door for us who are willing to learn? We want to learn and know about the journey, at least I do! We want to know how to bake the way granny did, at least I do!

Okay, I got what I needed to get out. It’s freeing! You see I do see you 😆

So, we’ve identified a sistuationship turned marriage was my identity for five years, right?

I’m going to move to the core of things now. Family! I come from a household where both my parents are together. My dad was present financially and physically. His always worked away and I am privileged for the lifestyle I was brought up in. As a young girl, I wanted my daddy around everyday. I never understood why I was being bullied at school. I wanted my daddy, the one I saw standing up for his girls when his parents would say we should dress a particular way when attending a particular denomination (Church). I wanted my daddy who would tell my mum “I work for my girls, they can have whatever they want”. I wanted my daddy that everyone highly spoke about. My daddy had to work to provide the lifestyle he desired for us. But as a young girl you don’t understand. As a young girl I saw dad speak of the other children highly than he spoke to me when I told him about my achievements and desires. With pain and comparison, I would take it out on mum and scream at her why dad didn’t love me. Mums response was always “your dad loves you, look at what he does for you”. “Your dad loves you he just doesn’t show his emotions”. “Your dad loves you, we don’t tell you because you will get a big head”. “You are your fathers child, non of you will sallow your pride”. As a young girl you don’t understand. Comparison, judgement and bitterness drew a wedge. I grew further away from my dad, mum became the middle person in communicating my thoughts and desires toward dad and vice versa. The more I grew, the louder I heard “you look and act just like Vincent Samuel”, the young youth observed her dad closely. What he liked, disliked so forth. Daddy is a man of a very few words yet a loud thinker. but when he does speak best believe his words will either heal or cut, Yes I am my fathers child.

I worked and made decisions to impress my dad. Majority of the decisions were in academics and fitness (boxing). I was simply looking for something to relate with dad. I desired to have a relationship with him beyond father and daughter. I wanted a friend in my dad, but I suppose pride has a deeper root that races back to the ancestors that I never met.

24 December 2014, I got a glimpse of my daddy. My daddy the little Travonna desired when she was bullied. Yep it’s the day I said goodbye forever to the lad I was married too but of course that day wasn’t a smooth ending. And I saw my daddy, the lion in him rose up with a loud roar. A family friend shared with my dad what I had dealt with. “Stand up Cooksie” his hug as tender as his hidden emotions, his voice as soft as his feet. That’s my daddy I’ve always desired. Cooksie is my nickname. Unfortunately December 2018 we reverted to old habits. Trust and Respect is a process that requires both parties to put in the work. But as I draw near to God and focus on my healing from within. I know my dad loves me and to protect and provide for me in times of need. I know he will be there. Why did I choose to share this with you? My safe place is within. My safe place is found in the presence of God. My fight with the mind and heart is bigger than me. Its traces I can not identify with a naked eye nor with a DNA test. I can only proclaim the promised land through doing the inner work, whilst learning to connect and date myself and The Holy Spirit. You owe it to yourself to heal from within