Well, up until this point you’ve been reading the hand of God over my life. I don’t know if you recall a few blogs earlier I mentioned that in “2017 I struggled to read the Bible.” Here’s the truth I’ve never learnt or processed things or information the way majority of people do. I need the extra quality time in order to understand the details. Do you remember my why’s, what’s, how’s, where’s and who’s? There are a cry for the truth.
Unfortunately my parents or the school system did not have the time to discern this, so at home during homework time physical discipline was the solution. At school I repeated grade one and all my schooling education I was put in the bottom classes. I grew to hate school and I grew to fear homework time. I’ve always had the desire to learn, so growing up hanging around adults was how I learnt. Unfortunately with my upbringing this was rare. Travel between Bulawayo, Zimbabwe and Orapa, Botswana was my childhood experience.
I enjoyed going to see my dad, almost every weekend. Well our week/ends weren’t the same as every other student. At times our week began on a Tuesday and ended on a Friday and at times our week started on a Monday and ended on a Thursday. At rare occasions you would have a Wednesday to Friday. That was our norm. I enjoyed the travel. I looked forward to what I referred to as home.
Botswana was home for me, never did any of the people ever ask me about my ethnicity. Never was my complexion or accent teased. Never was my Colourdness questioned because of my hair texture, body structure/development. The children around the camp site were interested in learning English as I was interested in learning Tswana.
Unfortunately growing up my cries of colourism went unheard by my mum. I recall my first experience in grade two, Mahatshula Primary School, a student whose mother was a teacher at the school, this young girl said something to the tune “go back to where you came from, you don’t belong here.” Ohh she is Ndebele. I went home and I told my mum and aunty Jane (she worked for us). Is blue a clear colour? Well today it will be, as clear as blue my mum said “it’s part of growing up, we all go through it.” This very phrase I would hear throughout my schooling years from my mum.
The next day aunty Jane came to the school, her attempt did not work. Later on in my schooling experience there was a teacher that I was told she was a relative of ours, would later join the band, she would refer me as Samson. Looking back I had long hair, but it wasn’t that long or a distraction. Mum and aunty Jane always did my hair. I would also be called a tomato. This teacher with the support of another teacher and the choir of students would later say I should cut my hair.
I recall everyday after school sitting in the sun and aunty Jane shouting at me to sit in the shade. I wanted to be black like the other students and I wanted a complexion like my sister. She appeared to have the crowd around her and to be the teachers favourite. Today she says she thought I had the crowd around me, but the crowd was around me to take my Botswana lunch.
Dad used to come to Bulawayo, but quite often we would make the trip to Botswana. That weekend he was home. Dad was cleaning our green van and my sister and I were sitting on the bedroom stairs watching him. And I said “I hate black people.” My dad quickly got in his room, got mum’s brown belt with silver, till to this day I carry the mark. That very day is the very day I stopped trusting and sharing with my dad. That very day is the day I became the referee between my dad disciplining my sister. I wish I could say my sister has ever fought for me.
Did I mention I hated school? Well if I didn’t, now you know. I hated school. Isn’t it surprising the things you remember as a child. Allow me to reverse.
Growing up I was a daddy’s girl, my dad used to take me to school, Khumalo Primary School on his bicycle. My parents often say, those were the struggle times. But to me it was fun, I remember every morning dad used to say “baby, do you have your monkey hat on?” I would laugh and put my monkey hat and dad used to put on my gloves and we would go on the bike. I’ve watched my parents build our house from nothing. My mother and her brothers made every brick that went on our house in Mahatshula. I’ve watched and listened to people come when my parents were financially well and I’ve watched people leave when there was no money at home. And that’s exactly what 2004 looked like.
One afternoon after school, mum, grandpa and my uncle were leaving, mum had said she was going to enrol my sister and I in a school we had been talking about as a family. That afternoon I spent my playtime telling every child in the neighbourhood that I was leaving. After bath time I could not wait to pack my bags. I was ready. But my excitement would be cut short.
My granny, “girls it’s time for bed, brush your teeth and let’s pray.”
BTv, news headlines, green van B915-AEJ. My dad, uncle and dads friend had been in a accident, the car had hit a tree, head first.
Me “That’s my daddy’s car, where is my daddy? Granny, mummy lied to me. Where is my daddy?”
My uncle turned off the Tv.
My granny said no words either than let’s pray, I went to my parents window, positioned opposite the gate, “God, please bring my daddy home, please God” just as I was about to say Amen, there was a loud bang on the gate. That was my daddy’s knock. No one has that knock either than my daddy.
My uncle opened the gate and it was daddy in bandages covered in blood. I remember hurting him as I hugged him and granny saying we should go to bed, but dad allowed us to bath him and to sleep in his bed. Did I say I was a daddy’s girl? I used to sleep on my daddy’s chest. My sister and I used to go to the roller skate park with my dad the Saturday’s he would be home. I was a daddy’s girl. So it shouldn’t surprise you when they say I act and talk like Vincent Samuel.
Well up until this point, can I be honest and say my dad and his dad had a fall out? I don’t know the details but I know there was a length of time when grandpa and granny weren’t coming to the house anymore and if I’m honest I heard dad tell them not to come. Again I don’t know the details. But from that point I remember the comparison would spring out.
Here it is! My grandparents compared my dad to his brothers, in my dads attempt to block of the pain, he isolated himself and that’s where the name calling began.
Dad called every night or before night shift to say good night and good morning, quite often he would ask me, if I’ve prayed. At times I would say yes and at times I would say no. Dad didn’t like lies. And dad would say don’t forget to pray. By the way daddy taught me John 3:16, I didn’t know the meaning of the verse but I memorised it each and every day. Whenever we were together as a family dad would bless the meal and each night dad would say “kneel let’s pray” a lot of times you would hear dad thanking God for his belongings and family. He is a Worshiper and a Teacher, but I don’t think he knows.
I think I did mention I grew up in a religious home where you did the what without knowing the why. In the mist of this we were introduced to praying people, looking back it was common. I remember going to different houses in the neighbourhood playing with the children and meeting/hearing people praying differently. So to speak. So when my parents would often introduce people as “granny” and somehow I would be getting prayed for and bathed majority of the time. It seemed normal.
I developed quite early, Physically that is. I remember one afternoon when dad was down from Botswana sitting in the middle in the green van, dad driving and mum carrying my sister on her lap and dad said to my mum “she needs to stop wearing these skirts she’s attracting these builders” I liked wearing my hey mamas and in the Samuel family there were let’s call them policies (1) you can talk to mummy and daddy about anything (2) we are all you have and all you need (3) don’t ask anyone for anything, if we don’t have it, you do without. So I asked why I should stop wearing my hey mamas, as far as I was concerned it was normal, I wore my hey mama and the other children wore they bum shorts or tights. That day I would be introduced to a look. My dad has a look that says you’ve crossed the line and if you ignore that look you get a tone and words that signify control and authority. Surprisingly looking back this look was introduced on our way to “granny” in Richmond Bulawayo.
My uncles and cousins were fun, they actually are fun. Their were the fun and light in the house. I suppose it’s a Thomas thing. The Thomas are Fun without a strong Foundation. The Samuel are Religious, Educated and Isolated. I think you can see where I was.
Isolation births pride, control, fear, superstitious beliefs and more control.
I remember back in Bulawayo telling my sister that she was adopted she did not belong in the family. It appeared there was never anything wrong with her, if I’m being honest it still appears that way. I struggle to understand why my parents were hard on me, whether it was education, friends, dating and dressing. I struggle to understand why I did all the prayers and bathing. I struggle to understand, everything I tried to do, say and touch was never good enough for my father and mother. My father has never said I love you out of his own mouth, it makes me wonder does he tell my mother he loves her? What I would do to go back to the times whenever we would leave Orapa my dad would say I love you with his fingers and you could tell he meant it with his eyes and smile. Yes I’m very observant!
My relationship with my mother growing up, I thought it was good. I mean mum used to come home from work, I would run and greet her, she used to bring us treats after work. I would sit with my mum as she watched Tv and whenever there was a kissing scene she would say “close your eyes” or “get out of the lounge” which mind you by this time 2003, I had already kissed a girl and masturbated, which leads me to say, what is not confronted in previous generations will affect the future generations. Break what you are called to break so that the next generation can run a different race.
My uncles were like brothers to me, we were close and we spoke about everything and anything. My uncle Mike and My cousin Godwin we were the triplets. They knew about my 2007 boyfriend Mr. Nathan. As long as I was not having sex with him and he respected me, my uncle and cousin were okay. They would often quiz me to see if I was still a virgin and often ask me which areas him and I were hanging out. The best uncle and cousin I’ve ever had.
2008, We moved to Australia with no advance announcement, well at least to me. 14 February 2008 was the day we left Zimbabwe and I know Mr. Nathan had a surprise for me that day and the first thing I did when I got to Australia I asked mum to ask for dads phone so we could call Mr. Nathan’s sister and wish her happy birthday. Her birthday is 15 February, I had a strategy at 13. I spoke to him and I know it broke his heart that I left without telling him. Our communication drifted, time difference and heart break from both ends. He is my first love.
My first day at John Forest Senior High School (now known as Secondary College), during recess (break time) a young Korean girl with a loud voice at the canteen beside the (A) team netball girls, said “I should go back to the tree, you black girl.” Firstly “go back to the tree” was the first time I had ever heard that, well I didn’t know back in 2008 some people thought people from Africa lived in/on trees. Now the “black girl” part I was shocked, in Zimbabwe I was never classified as black. The Ndebele’s would often tease me and ask me if I was black or white and whether I struggle to make a decision. The Shona’s would often ask how much percentage of black or white do I have and that I might have more black in me because of my complexion.
That afternoon in the kitchen I told mum to buy me a ticket to Botswana, I was okay going to boarding school and on the weekends and holidays staying with my dads friend, Uncle Mdu. Clearly I didn’t go back. Later in the Semester (July) my Science teacher asked me to show the new girl around the school, she is Zimbabwean. What was suppose to be a “show around the school” become a 8 year friendship our season came to an end in 2016.
Do you remember my uncles and cousins were like brothers to me? Well not only because of the fun and freedom to speak did I refer to them as my brothers but their also protected me. My mum has always had a way with words and growing up, well I had an attitude, so they say. My why’s we’re going to be answered or else I wasn’t going to do it. Ohh pardon me, only with my mum. I wouldn’t dare do that with my father.
So my uncles and cousins would protect me from getting hit by my mother. Mike and Godwin would often say (my mum’s nickname, listen to her she’s trying to say something).
In Australia I didn’t have that protection. With my mum and the bullying at school, the suicidal thoughts returned, gosh the houses are small in Australia, you can hear each other in different rooms. Anyway with no one to talk to about my thoughts and feelings masturbating returned.
Back in 2008 the Zim community was small, dad introduced us to a few families and I was close to one aunty in particular, she was a friend before a mother or aunty, she wanted to know what was going on with you. But I was scared to open up to her, it appeared every other woman in the circle would talk badly about her, so instead of me getting to know her I began looking for her faults. She’s really a good woman. When people are insecure with themselves they find fault in the one trying to better themselves, without a community to support you and do life with you, you find yourself questioning why am I different? Will I ever meet people that desire the same thing as I do? So she drifted away and when life knocked her down, what was once family tried to pick her up whilst continued to laugh and judge her. WOW 2008-2011, I really thought we had found a community to call family but I suppose gossip, competition and immature fights grew a wedge. A wedge to a point the people I once called cousins, in 2015-2016 at clubs we struggled to hug and take pictures, because all of us had been told different sides of the story and we were all trying to stay loyal to our blood.
End of 2008 beginning of 2009 I would join Facebook, I would also meet other Zimbabweans in Perth. One person in particular we had mutual friends, he knew our family friends from Bulawayo, which I would call family. This guy and I would later develop a bond of brother and sister. We literally spoke like brother and sister, a bond I’ve wanted with my own biological sister. So when my Perth brother, messaged me and said “there is someone new from Bulawayo, I’m just introducing him to people in Perth, you can add him if you want” I said okay. Ohh yeah I lived a private life, I hope by now you can see the root.
This guy adds me on Facebook, I accepted, I did not bother looking at his pictures and when he would say “hi” I literally would respond days even weeks later. I’m sure you know who I’m introducing right? Yep you guessed right.
When the lad and I met, he mentioned he was just coming out of relationship. Distance is what separated them, so he said. And, I had a decision to make, a guy my age from school had just asked me out and my mother has always said “to date a man older than you, they have done playing around, they won’t cheat on you” So yes my now ex-husband at the time of meeting him, I told him about the decision I had to make and we just begun to talk from there. Unfortunately I did not make a decision, the guy at school said I was taking to long to make a decision.
Fast forward a few months later, my now ex-husband and I meet up at the train station and at goodbye he kissed me. A kiss led to an abortion in 2011. A kiss led to assumptions of domestic violence and trauma, if you ever wanted to hurt me, well you did. You know how I feel about physical threats/harm. If you ever wanted to hurt me, well you did. By lying about the one thing I enjoyed BOXING. A kiss led to a 4 month marriage with bad credit to my name. If you ever wanted to confuse me, well you did, how do you have sex with someone for 3 years and then turn around and say you don’t want my blood? Chomie! How do you say you are not traditional and then expect me to do cultural things that kneel down and give you your plate and then you want to say I was desperate to marry you 👀. That’s what not having a strong foundation and not knowing your worth and value lead to! You end up attracting potential and end up missing the promise. You see where the sistuationship begun? I have asked myself, did you go on this roller coaster of saying all of this because you knew I struggled to articulate and express myself? Did you go on this roller coaster because you knew words hurt me? Ohh and if slapping you on the knee is deemed as domestic violence and traumatic, I am sorry.
2015, February 14, my sisters would not allow me to sleep in. I was suicidal, that afternoon after a morning shift, I went and changed my number and went to sleep. But my sisters woke me up to drop them off at a surprise birthday, I was going to drop them off and then meet up with a then family friend at the casino, but my sisters wouldn’t let me leave, their wanted me to meet new people. So I found home at a corner and entertained myself on Facebook.
The moment of surprising the birthday girl came and everyone said my name to hide, truthfully I was in corner you could not see me. I didn’t kill the fun, I stood next to this guy, he had a coloured accent, he disagrees! And everyone said “Travonna shh” when I asked this guy if he was coloured. That question would lead us to talking, as I continued to speak to him his faith drew me in. Listen, up until this point I had never met a young guy, who speaks about God the way he spoke about God, was wearing Jordan’s and hmm his body. Yes Lord! I won’t lie we spoke like we’ve known each other for years and we kissed.
Now it’s not the kiss that led me to spend time with this guy more. I have never met a young guy that prays the way this guy prays. From the very day I met him I felt safe in his presence, he didn’t judge me. Mind you he witnessed the broken me introducing me to me. At this point I was drinking 3 bottles of wine to fall asleep, at this point painkillers were apart of my lifestyle. This definitely does not excuse my actions.
The only time I could fall asleep without choking in my sleep was when I was with this guy. He fought for me both in the Spirit and in the Natural. You dare wouldn’t say anything about Travonna I can promise you that. He protected me. So when he left in 2016, God knew I was much stronger. Of course when he said goodbye I blocked him. I have a ministry in blocking and he knows that, I think that’s why God gave him patience. He has a lot for both of us.
God said I should unblock him, remember the night of drinking wine and attempting to read The Bible, that is what I had heard “unblock him” Our friendship has been tested for years. I do not know how many times I have blocked him and unblocked but at each whisper God says “purpose.” So if our friendship has a purpose I pray it is to teach people how to discern a friend, an assignment and a counterfeit. Thank you for being the die whilst I be the ride. I hope you taking care of you NOW 😊 And to Miss. M, I am genuinely sorry.
2017, It was a year I would learn I do not know my history let alone culture or tradition(s). Being apart of Miss Africa Perth 2017, was the birthing to love my complexion, to respect my accent and to admire my journey as I learn to heal.
2017, a friend I truly saw as a sister would teach me a lot about Faith and Family. Her relationship with her mother was something I admired. But I knew my relationship with my mother was rock bottom when I asked my friends mother to teach me how to cook, because Mr. 2017 had requested a chicken curry and wanted to see if I make it like his mama hahahahha if only you knew. Well Sir, God did take extra time with you, good looking on the outside, a gentleman on the inside with a bit of thug. Our fast car moments and expressing ourselves through music taught me I can love and serve God in my uniqueness, a lady with a bit of thug in her. Thank you!
As I was saying goodbye to my friend, I would also be making a decision to say goodbye to what appeared to say Coloured, my hair. I hid behind my hair, what you don’t know at this point in 2017, one could no longer tell who I am and where am I from. I had so many accents, English, Nigerian, Australian and the Coloured would only come out when you stepped on my toes. And my mother did a good job at that.
The truth when it comes to my mother and I’s arguments it’s a result of one fight not being resolved and over the years we’ve stepped on one another’s air hoses. My mother has unloaded her emotions on my sisters and I would withdraw and isolate myself and when we do cross paths in the kitchen it would result to cursing and the cycle would go on and on. But as I’ve said in previous posts God is truly working in our relationship. Just the other day mum was watching a movie, (American Son, on Netflix) #notsponsored, I obeyed The Holy Spirit when he said I should go sit in the lounge, I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, I wanted to return and continue writing this blog you are reading today. But in a particular scene (just watch the whole movie) mum paused the movie and asked me to leave, you should know Travonna by now, I asked WHY? I truly saw nothing but clearly my mum did and as the movie finished and I was leaving the lounge, The Holy Spirit whispered “I’m uprooting/confronting something in her, that’s why she asked you to leave” Look at God coming through in the Entertainment Industry.
2019, has been somewhat of a year of trails but in the mist of it I see restoration. Getting to spend time and know my cousin led me to a question that was uncomfortable but I knew it was time to confront “why was I so mean to my cousin growing up” and God led me to the scene. Both sides of my grandparents do not get along, no I lie! The Thomas side of the family tries, man if you want a testimony of someone that prays for their enemies it’s my mum’s mum. She will pray and bless her enemies like no other. Growing up I never saw that.
The Thomas family are fun, care free they will literally walk out of the house in sweats. Today that’s the norm.
Whereas the Samuel, appearance is everything. there is a quote I often hear “cleanliness is holiness” something along those lines.
Growing up my mum’s parents chose to live at the farm, I assume that’s the lifestyle that worked for them. Whereas my dads parents are educated teachers, ministers behind the pulpit lived in the city and had a farm, Sunday best was everyday. My granny appeared to have the lifestyle I wanted, educated, loved god and married for decades. Well read the previous post where The Holy Spirit asks if there are still together, you should find your answer there. Come think of it, my mum’s family is wealthy, the people their marry distract them from the promise land and then they have to labour till they die #slavery. Your grandfather laboured for you, eat the fruits. Legit my mum’s family has the Abraham story.
So when she would say something about The Thomas which was usually dress code and vocabulary I jumped on the band and foolish me bullied an innocent child, so when the event titled “Unresolved Conflict” Published 05 June 2019 occurred let’s just say I exploded that evening. Well we need to reserve in order for you to understand.
Who recalls what happened December 2018? A religious argument with my dad. 2015-2017, I was doing the what and not asking my dad the why. 2018 I had better discernment and The Holy Spirit said he didn’t want me to serve Him in that way, He (The Holy Spirit) would teach me how He (The Holy Spirit) wants me to serve Him (The Holy Spirit) in Truth and in Spirit.
A hot December evening, in Perth, Western Australia. My mother called me to the kitchen, before leaving my room The Holy Spirit had said “Travonna Louzel Samuels do not agree.” Now if you’ve been following along in the previous blogs by now you know when The Holy Spirit uses my full identification name a generation curse needs to be addressed. So I went into the kitchen and my mum said just listen say nothing. Now in the Samuel household this means “the highway or get the fuck out of the house.” I listened and I was told the what and The Holy Spirit said say “NO!” And I did just that. My response and obedience to The Holy Spirit found my mum being the referee and me running to the room and crying.
From that moment I feared my dads cough, voice and footsteps. I swear I cannot describe or mimic that look in his eyes. A few days later and months moving forward I would apologise to my dad and greet him. I don’t think he told mum this, because mum would often reference the pride trait and that I’m rude I should respect my elders. The part that hurt me the most it was a few days before Christmas and I recall saying “Merry Christmas dad” he just looked at me and this is exactly how it was until 5 June 2019, approximately 6:45, I will tell you how I know the time soon. But first before 5 June 2019, prior to this sad occasion I had been told 5 different times “to pack up and get the fuck out of my house”, at different occasions I would play worship music and I would hear him laughing. At different occasions I would hear him reference me “idiot”, “stupid”, “monkey” , “mtakhati, witch”….. Would you like to know what I had done to be called this? Telling him to stop calling my little sister animal names and saying she was stupid and a idiot for I know what those names have done to me mentally and emotionally. In all these scenarios my mum was the referee. And you would just hear my other sister (the one I’ve spoken about above) saying “Travonna, shut the fuck up”, “Travonna, go to your fucking room”. Here’s the thing I’ve tried explaining to my dad, my dad has literally come from FIFO and said he is quitting because someone called him a monkey and mum has spoke him out of it. And when you try giving him that very same example if, that affects you what more does it do to a child that is still developing emotionally and mentally. You are told to “get the fuck out of my house.”
Well 5 June 2019, was a normal day for me spending time in the presence of The Lord, worshiping and Journaling and The Holy Spirit said “I want you to surrender your little sister to me” I didn’t understand, I cried at one point I even went to hug and I returned to my room and I said I surrender. Looking back on that day I had my evening shower rather early (5:30pm) and “Way Maker” kept rising up in my Spirit. I didn’t know what was going on. I would worship and cry in the shower and ask The Holy Spirit what is going on and only get “Trust me”. So when I finished showering and returned to the room The Holy Spirit said “go get a bottle of water” in the passage way, my sister ran into my arms, in the Spirit I hear “Trust me” a few seconds later I am slapped in the face, I panicked and said “what the fuck is wrong with you” the very first time I have ever sworn at Vincent Samuel and called him by name or out of his name.
My mum and sister ran to the passage way, no one held Vincent Samuel accountable everyone was saying “get the fuck in your room Travonna”, “Everyone was saying shut up Travonna” I exploded, NO! that word is an understatement, can I be honest and say I rolled my fist and The Holy Spirit sat me on the ground. On that very cement ground, a name came up whether it was in my thought/heart/spirit I just texted and said “please come get me” looking back a few weeks ago I had already started packing so when I texted there really wasn’t much to pack.
This ladies home, was my rest place for me. From December to June I had been asking God “why my father isn’t talking to me” and all I would get was “heart posture” at that time I didn’t know what heart posture meant. So when this lady opened up her home for me to rest I did just that, but I won’t lie I had questions for God, I didn’t understand. I questioned if I was hearing from him. I questioned if I discerned correctly. I questioned why my dad and sister weren’t texting or calling me. I’m thankful my mum, cousin as younger sister checked on me. I hope you can see what religion does to families. Through it all God kept showing Himself to be faithful, but I just didn’t understand.
In this ladies home, her husband would return from his 28days away at work. I’ve only met him once prior to this. Their came to watch me at Miss Africa in 2017. When he arrived from the airport at night, I stood up and greeted him, we were all standing by the door, he never once asked for water, tea or a beer. He was interested in my wellbeing, he was interested in how I was. We never spoke work or education. He wanted to know how I was. I don’t know how long we spoke for but I know we stood there for a long time, my feet were even sore. When I went into my room of rest, I could not sleep but cry and ask God “why doesn’t my father do this” and all I could get was “Trust me.”
The next morning, before I could close the door behind me, he, not me, he was the first to say good morning. Our good morning with breakfast on the table led to a conversation on religion, finance, thereafter doing the dishes together and talking about politics and culture.
A few days later it would lead us to a early morning run on the farm and a conversation on business and my dreams. Thereafter he and I would visit the horses and he would guide me not to look at the horses in the eyes.
I’m a city girl, I’ll tell you that now, but he, his son and I would later attend to the sheep (I think he was giving them medication and cutting the tail off the lambs). We would also attend a Church conference and you could tell he genuinely took care of me like his daughter.
He was never pleased if I only had a fruit for lunch. My resting seasoning would come to an end this is where my cousin allowed me to stay at her place. But first I must say THANK YOU for allowing me to rest in your home. The presence of God is definitely on and in your home.
I honestly didn’t understand why let alone what was happening, it looked like a cycle I had no control over.
My cousin opened up her home to me, looking back yes it was a mattress but there was a level of peace that no mankind can create. On that mattress I would find warmth and safety. On that mattress I would hear The Holy Spirit clearer. Yes I may have been building in that same Suburb a few years ago, but I know today I would have not had the level of peace I had on that mattress.
In that month of being in my cousins presence, her and I would get to spend time together and get to know each other. We would get to talk about our differences and talk about what we both desire for ourselves and from each other moving forward. A second chance in her life I’m thankful for.
My sister, she’s living her own life and I am genuinely happy for her. I hope one day we would stop doing things for each other because we are blood and actually start doing things together because we want to. Not for our one day children but for ourselves today.
My sister, watching you worship today “My God is Awesome” whilst you were eating dinner, The Holy Spirit whispered and said “You see I’ve got her.”
My father, I don’t want the car, I don’t want the bed and I do want the money. Yes you are the father and I am the child but there comes time when you want to know the person. You are not a bad person, I know that, religion has you caught up. In the mist of religion you turned to the wrong people and as you thought you were protecting your family they kept manipulating you. You see one thing I have learnt people will see your gifting, calling and anointing before you, and when they see it before you and recognise that you don’t know they have the power to manipulate you and control. For so long I never knew why people would call me for relationship advice, I do not have a positive record when it comes to relationships. But almost every week there was someone that would call for relationship advice and it took me crying out to God and asking Him to help me know Him and to know myself.
Well I am naked as naked can be now, if these something I can leave you with, please stop accepting gifts, water, anointing oil and words from just anyone. DISCERN. You may have the right motives, but what will manifest is the word of the giver. The devil has a way of dressing up the word, especially when you do not know your identity and authority in Christ Jesus. You will only know these through intimacy. Intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is getting to know someone, spending time with them, listening and strengthening your bond through communication, patience, time and understanding. Be a child and be teachable.
To you it may appear pure and true and when you touch and agree with the giver who does not have the same intentions as you, whatever the givers motives are when they give you that gift, those very motives will manifest in your life.
Agreeing is Spiritual, it becomes a written contract in the Spiritual realm. “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 18:18 (NIV).
And the devil and his workman know your gifting, anointing, calling in your lineage and if you don’t know your gifting, anointing and calling you will be a target.
Well for my lineage a weak foundation has led us on this road. My Brain Development is the result. The word of God talks about the renewing of our minds and hearts, to be planted in the word. But what about the brain? Well with some revelation I believe surrender. For me it was surrendering all idols and my last was my dad…
When you’ve worshiped people or a people pleaser it’s safe to say your brain goes to sleep. A people pleaser or a person that worships people is idol, they do not move until they get an instruction from their “god”
A people pleaser or person that worships people is numb in the mind but their heart continues to cry out, hence you may see them zoning out. Hence you may see the mood swings.
There was a fight to get this word out both in The Spiritual and Natural Realm, I pray you are covered by The blood of Jesus, if not please repeat after me,
Holy Spirit, I well come you into my life, I surrender my Will asking you to please teach me Your Will. I pray protection over my mind, emotions, Spirit and body. In Jesus Name Amen
Well, I suppose this was My Fight out of Religion into Healing. It’s been a journey. As I receive my new command “Focus on yourself Travonna.” I guess I’m taking you on the journey where I’m learning to love my scars🤔
As I leave, what is the root of the lack of a decision, a commitment and foundation? Please comment below, I would like to hear from you.
I’ll see you soon Unique Imprint birds.