Raw Process 

Overview ➡️ learning about your identity is like a new born baby learning to see, feel, hear, taste and move. With identity you are learning to see, think, feel, move and hear differently. You are curious, you have questions, you are scared of being disobedient/failing/falling and misunderstood. During this time of learning and development you are the most sensitive to sound and movement. A strong foundation is essential to move you to YOUR NEXT! Dine with me as I share The Spirit of My Journey to My Unique Imprint that led to Entrepreneurship. 

Identity 

Words are a powerful weapon! My name is Travonna, as a young curious girl I always had questions and often would challenge one’s perspective. Overtime my questions and curiousity were met with negative comparison judgemental words. Of course this affected me emotionally and mentally. 

As a young mixed girl in Bulawayo Zimbabwe, I already had questions thrown at me “how much percentage of black and white do you have”, “you must be more black because of your complexion”. “Which side are you on, black or white”. “Your accent is different from your family”. “You are weird” “You think weird/strange/differently” “I don’t see that there must be something wrong with you or your eyes” You are demon possessed or you are crazy we need to take you to ngutsheni “mad house”. Along with that Unfortunately I do come from a broken house, effective communication is not our strongest. I come from a household of verbal abusers, we fight with our words, we kill with our words and we destroy with our words, I am often classified as the “to emotion one” “can’t speak to you or joke with you, you are always in your feelings”. I don’t know about you, but I cannot laugh with someone without confronting the issue we have. As a young girl I always wanted to talk and express myself and yes I always saw and thought things differently from everyone else. An example an issue on the news two different reporters report on the same thing but I could identify the details that were missed and I would want to talk about the why, what, where and how. Yep I have also been called an investigator, reporter, journalist unfortunately it was during not uplifting conversations. 

A safe place to express myself has always been something I’ve struggled to have, trust has always been something I’ve struggled with, relationships (it be family, friends, colleagues and intimate) have always been performance based. 

A performance based life requires you to deny the inner you that is fighting to conquer the world with her gifts, talents and skills. Yes I do believe as young children we can contribute ideas, wisdom and solutions in our surroundings. 

Over the years, my curiosity and perspective died, instead of being the leader and visionary to my why’s, what’s, where’s and how’s I became a follower to the trends, I would have questions and answers to solutions but be quiet in fear of being rejected, judged, misunderstood and abandoned. 

All these unidentified and unspoken fears led to a lifestyle of Travonna not being Travonna, I became an observer of  everyone’s lifestyle I picked up what could work for me and threw away what I didn’t like about you. I worshiped people, yep I did, your beliefs, your values, your thoughts I Travonna Louzel Samuels religiously adopted Your beliefs, values and thoughts. 

Needless to say, on the outside it appeared Travonna had it all together, she would give you her lunch, pocket money, invite you to her house to play, but every night Travonna’s words would be “why am I here “. A question she’s asked always. 

I did not grow up in a faith (relationship) based home, I was brought up in a household you knew there was god (small “g” deliberately placed). You prayed when times were hard (sickness, financial hardship, witchcraft) ohh and at times before bedtime or lunchtime. I grew up in a religious house(law and rules), whereby you are told the what and not the why and how. As though a child unto know the reason behind your reasoning. 

Growing up, I recall the few times visiting churches. I grew up between boarders Zimbabwe and Botswana and an Ocean Australia. I visited a Seventh day Adventist (Grandparents) Baptist (Family Friends) and Catholic (mum and aunty, Good Friday), I do not remember much about the experiences in the church, I mean after all are you expected to have memorable experiences when you are told to dress a particular way, sit a particular way and speak a particular way and then on your way home listen to the gossip of how aunty “Red” and uncle “blue”  where dressed and acting and smelling? But what I do remember is the rare occasions I would go, I would return home, place my teddies and dolls on the bed and I would resight word for word that the speaker and music team did right up to the actions. 

I’m going to fast forward a few years later, to a five year relationship that became my identity and my why to life. That relationship was my project to breathing, that guy was a god to me. Every wrong, every rumour was crossed off with sex and gifts, sugar coated with the words “I love you” “I care about you” “I miss you” “I need you” “you are my everything” “you complete me”. 

23 December 2014, my mirror within me was presented in front of me, I remember getting back to our rental house 12 midnight from a night out to the casino with my mum and aunties, he was asleep so I think. I sat on the kitchen counter keys in hand, heels still on and asked myself “why am I here” I cried, picked up my phone and looked for a rental room for myself, somehow it was time for him to get up, the words divorce were now apart of my  vocabulary within 3months of marriage, so the first thing I said when I saw him was “I’m getting a divorce” he didn’t pay me no attention and the truth is although I had said those words, that was my identity, what was I going to do without that relationship, but at 09:00 24 December 2014, there was a courage that developed on the inside of me packed and returned to my parents home. 

Words are weapons, positive or negative, words are weapons. Confrontation and Communication are not apart of the Samuel household, joking is probably deemed as a value at this point. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts and all I ever wanted was a safe place to express my thoughts. 

Apologies I forgot to mention, relationships were my identity. Working finances, academics, achievements, fashions and diets (looks) it’s where I found  my worth and values.  2015 I Travonna Louzel Samuels did not have any of these. Relationships, I had two friends one in particular would go out together almost every night, the other friend you will know about her soon. Work, I could not work longer than 2hours due to emotional unstabability, diets, I was an emotional eater and fashion my mum was my stylist and 2015 no one could get anything through my ears. I dressed in ways that reflected the broken girl looking to be accepted and validated. Needless to say drinking, self-medicating, clubbing and a situation became my medicine.

I remember this like it was yesterday 31 December 2015, Zimbabwe News Years Eve dance, on the dance floor and AKA’s song “All eyes one me”, dancing with a guy, we both liked one another, but I wasn’t going to take it any further because of the situation I was in, I was Tipsy in a gray/silver dress, black heels, hair dyed and tied back on the dance floor I remember saying “God if you are real give me a job”. So after the song was finished a few of us went outside, I went to sit on the table my feet where killing me, the guy we both liked one another, I’ve got my phone on me texting the guy who was my situation “happy new year” message sends, guy approaches I was tipsy so was he and I said it aloud “why am I here”. 

Now to my other friend, she invited me to church to come see a guy she liked, today I know this was God’s setup, because what I’ve not mentioned one of the conditions of marrying the guy I married were for us to attend a church together, a condition passed on by a “praying person”, in this church I got hurt, unfortunately the ministers were not willing to hear my side of the story to our problems, as I needed to “submit and honour the man in my life, and let him lead”. Thus being said I did not want any part of church or “praying people”. So when my friend invited me to see the guy she liked, it was setup from God if you can already see the pattern of me and Relationships. 

I attended the Friday night church service, I wore a skirt, above my knees and a top you could see my back through, my friend and mum did not say anything Phew. Truly I went with one motive “girl, show me this guy”. But as God would have it, before I got seated, Worship had begun, the room is packed, I know no one either than those I’ve come with and I feel at home, safe, wanted and loved. I observe with curiosity, everyone is dressed different, young and old in one room, lights as though I am in a club, there was one guy that stood out in the worship team, I asked my friend who is he, she told me his name, his handsome I will admit that, but that is not what stood out to me. What stood out in this gentleman in timberland boots, smooth fade, earring, jeans and blazer, a complexion reflecting mine singing God’s music, (mind you I wear glasses but on this night I saw all of these details from a distance), but I was even drawn closer when the pastor delivering the word that night resembled my complexion, swung really good jokes that weren’t belittling. I was no longer interested in seeing the guy my friend liked, truth be told I did not hear what the message was about or the songs sang, my curiosity and perspective began to run with What if’s, How did their get there? Who are their? My questions would be answered overtime because I kept going back. Yep Friday night before the clubs, Sunday mornings with a hangover I kept going back that place became my safe place. I never spoke, I rarely said hello before or after service, I was in and out but I felt safe, I felt wanted, I felted loved. Atmosphere is everything! 

What shapes an atmosphere? Words! Remember the prayer on the dance floor? “God if you are real please give me a job”. Normal Sunday for Travonna, 10am service, with a hangover sitting far right, easy entrance and exit points, not paying attention to the message, busy on Instagram editing and uploading the pictures from last night, the pastor says “if anyone needs prayer for anything come up”. I feel a nudge within to go up, But with a curse like pride and ego built so high to resemble the wall of Jericho I continued to perfect my editing skills. The pastor yet again “if anyone needs prayer for anything come up”. Don’t ask me how I got up there but I got there “what do you want”, my response “job”, “anything specific”, my response “no”, “Lord, I thank you for my sister, I thank you for her heart toward you, please give her the desires of her heart, you know her needs, you know her desire in Jesus Name Amen, sister be strong he loves you”. 

Monday morning I have an interview, at this point I had been to interview after interview with no luck, truth I was just attending fo the sake of saying “I went for an interview”, a few days passed after the interview no call and forgot about it, back to clubbing, January 19 2016, “Travonna we would like to offer you the position of a Fulltime Documentation Officer, May you please start on the 25 January 2016” of course I accepted the position, but at that time I did not see the miracle that had just taken place, you are talking about a miracle I do not qualify for, no experience, and several candidates with the experiences, skills and wisdom yet again you are offering me to start a new job a day before a public holiday “Aussie day” not only that I was paid full pay for one month. I was in that position for five months thereafter the role was redundant, but today I know it was God saying (1) I am real (2) I hear YOU & see YOU TRAVONNA LOUZEL SAMUELS all of you (3) you are in the promise land. Hopefully one and two have been explained above, three “you are in the promise land”, my question of “why am I here” has always been bigger than why do I still breath, what career path am I going to do, who am I going to marry, how am I going to achieve that goal. My why am I here has always been WHERE IS HOME FOR ME ON EARTH- WHERE IS MY TRIBE, those that will love me for me and not make it their project to change me. 

Where is home on earth for me, the journey of knowing would soon begin July 2016, but in the mist of the travels it was filled with a garden of rare unique roses, thorns and weeds along with a dusty road that required vulnerability. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths”. My Foundation till to this day Proverbs 3:5-6.

We could be here, for decades, let’s fast forward, I’ve been baptised, I say goodbye to many people including the situation, I attend bible college (therapy for me), I am rushed to emergency “I hear the lord say change your lifestyle”, no longer drink, no longer an emotional eater, I have not been on medication or visited the doctor to date August 2019, I can now freely run, without assumptions and misdiagnosis. 

2017, I have just learnt The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit are One, did not know such a thing existed. I hear a strong, soft small voice say “I’ve called you to marriage, I want you to not have sex until you are married”. I mean I thought I was loosing it, at this point I knew God could hear me, but I sure didn’t know he could speak to me, needless to say I did not pay attention. A few days later I try reading the bible and I hear “OBEDIENCE”. 

On your journey to knowing who you are and why you are here, you will need to make a decision everyday to OBEY and SERVE only One God in every area of your being. This is where my foundational scripture comes into effect, Proverbs 3:5-6. Such as many of us that come from broken homes we are aware of the leaves of the brokenness but not aware of the root of the brokenness, it is only through your decision to obey and serve God will you break generational curses by the root(s) and build generational wealth by the root(s). I am not against counselling or therapy as you can see by now I’ve always wanted a safe place to talk, but one thing I do know now there is no one that knows you like the one who knew you before you were a thought or act by your parents. The very environment and circumstances you were born into God knew you would be the trail blazer for the lineage coming behind you. God knew you would be the soldier to carry the weapons of prayer, worship, praise, time, vulnerability, journaling, obedience and service. 

At this point 2017 I’m still not sure who or what is obedience, let alone what does it look like or feel like. I mean the “do not have sex part” that worked for me, because I’ve never wanted to get married due to selfishness of not wanting distractions in building my career, putting a man or children ahead of my dreams appears to be a blockage to the women in my lineage. I never wanted that. I did want, you and I can hang and chill together, don’t put no names to it and you play no part in my accomplishments. I don’t think I mentioned those wants to my ex-husband but hey we did not speak marriage or children unless people brought it up or saw families in passing, we were both focused on building, for me my building was the root of survival and fear. Seeing the leaves of brokenness will scare you enough to make decisions that will draw you further away from your God ordained Purpose and Relationships. Building in fear drew me to relationships that did not celebrate me but drained me. Building in fear allowed me to medicate my insecurities by finger pointing. Building in fear played with my perspective. Trust is not apart of you when you build in fear, you speculate and are suspicious of everything and everyone, heck you become the FBI of yourself, you got to keep up with every lie you told so that you don’t get caught. Sounds like a job filled with liabilities. I want to invest in asserts. What do you want Asserts or Liabilities? 

I’ve made the decision I want asserts in every area of my life. I have my foundational scripture on a paper placed on my computer screen, I do not know the meaning of that scripture, but I see it every time my eyes are positioned in front of that particular piece of paper and the only word that stands out is TRUST. 

Curious to read the Bible, I make a decision to be awake at 06:30am in the morning to read my Bible, YouTube I go, “which book to read as a new Christian”, to many opinions, long uploads and reviews with everyone’s views in frustration and anger I shut everything down put away my Bible for the day. I return the next day and open to a random page, pronouncing the words is difficult, yet again frustrated I close and continue with a day shaped by disappointment of not being able to pronounce nor read to a full stop. That was 2017 for me, I struggled to pronounce, read, focus, pray and understand what Worship was.  The only way I heard the word was through YouTube listening to different views, after that speak to myself and what did their mean by saying that, I mimicked their messages and as I continued to do it, at times I would stop and ask is that true, mind you I did not know what the bible said about it, but everyday I listened to different messages and as time went on there were some messages I would listen to and begin to say these something not right about what their said, I would replay it, listen clearly for those details and say “okay maybe it’s the way their said it”, at times re-listen or keep moving on, after sometime I would develop trust on who to listen and learn from. As I would listen to my trusted friends, I call them my friends although we’ve not met, their teachings developed curiosity and challenged my thoughts and emotions, which led me to journaling, journaling led me to vulnerability. Vulnerability led me to my journey of healing and trusting The Holy Spirit. It is unfortunate as human beings we think God is like us, such as many who say “if God knows me, sees me, why do I need to speak it or say”. I believe God wants us to say it so He can move on your words. God is a loving Gentleman, who has gifted you with a freewill to make every decision in every area of your life. With every decision you make lies the master to your heart. For me I needed my master to be God himself, I wanted the truth or I was ready to leave this earth yep I’ve been to that point. A lot actually! I believe TRUST is about communication and COMMUNICATION is about a decision and a Decision requires commitment and pursuit, unfortunately we as a culture have either lost or taken for granted whilst in the pursuit of material success. 

Although 2015 and beginning of 2016 I was writing down my thoughts and feelings and days experiences, it all had no meaning. 28 February 2016 a nudge from within that would lead me learning what obedience is, that afternoon I got baptised! Just like every other day I did not know the purpose of that day, I was just existing 

The Principals Of Identity

TRUST, a foreign language to my ears but hunger to my heart. I’ve struggled with trust from a very young age. I have always had invisible gates when it comes to letting people in to my heart. Have you struggled with this pain? 

On my invisible gates, I’ve gone extra mile and placed chains, my chains were perfection, self pity, self doubt, judgement, control and the prison cell fear. I don’t know about you, but just writing this now I see fears motives. Fear has always wanted to remote control my mind and emotions! Fear I am not your puppet, here I go on my treadmill taking ownership of MY mind and emotions, after all it’s my body! 

The journey to trust was met with hurdles and a lot of tears. Have you ever watched a movie and started crying but did not know why you were crying? Remember in 2017 I struggled to read the Bible? I watched and listened to faith based material and at times secular material. It is in those viewings the root of having my guard up and blocking people away would be revealed. Let me take you back! 

There are many versions to this story, and I’ve always questioned what is the truth. It is apparent during my crèche days “one day I apparently got hurt whilst playing and hurt myself in my private parts which led me to several months in hospital.” “It is apparent during my crèche days it is thought somebody tried to hurt me as there was a belief if you take the virginity of a young mixed girl you would be cued from AIDS which led me to several months in hospital.” Now I remember the days and nights in hospital my favourite fruits were grapes well that’s what my grandparents brought, I to remember walking home from school with our housekeeper and complaining I was in pain and when I got home she said “asambe uyogeza” (let’s go you have a bath” it was then she and i were met with a flood of blood in between my legs, I do not remember the drive or the process to the hospital I suppose the prison of fear was introducing itself. 2017 I remember writing in my journal “what happened to me in crèche” I closed my journal and left it. That time I did not know your words written, spoken or thought are a prayer ready to manifest at the appointed time. A few weeks later I believe, I was watching a movie, this particular scene “father and children go camping, during camping trip father dives in to save son and little girl goes missing” after awhile in the movie “father goes on a search for his baby girl’s whereabouts” he finds where she was hurt. I cried , but it wasn’t a cry of I’m sorry or I feel your pain. This was a cry of anger and hate I wanted to see this fool. What fool did you want to see Travonna? I went back into my journal and I wrote why I was crying, I kid you not I saw a man with a cap in a grounds man uniform face planted down, I heard a small voice “please forgive him”. Please ask the Holy Spirit for the gift of discernment before moving forward with a dream/vision/word. I was angry and scared to say the least, didn’t know who to confide to as history had proven matters of the heart are not confronted with care. 

I returned to my journal shaking and crying could not write and I definitely did not forgive on that day, it was actually 2018 April that I forgave after watching one of Iyanla Vanzants segments. My innocence was taken from me without my permission, who would have thought that would be the root of me struggling with trust, unfortunately that is not the only thing that wound left, I struggled with intimacy, body image and confidence. It is not until I allowed the process of healing was I able to see from a different perspective. Your beliefs determine the impact you make to someone’s journey, whether the assumptions are true or false, the man’s actions at the school play ground had an impact on my journey, I wonder if his beliefs and decisions had an impact on him? 

Learning to Trust required me to be vulnerable with what I was feeling and desired. Vulnerability is a difficult ask for someone that oppressed her feelings in fear of being compared to and continusly misunderstood. My journal(s) became my best friend. As I wrote my experiences, emotions and thoughts deadweight began to leave. You see at that time I knew God could hear me and I could speak to him, but my mind had been conditioned to getting hurt “if I share what’s on my mind and heart people will laugh, compare and judge” “if I ask for something what will I have to do, compromise. Lie to receive it.” I have learnt our environments usually determine how we see, hear and receive God and I needed to go on my journey to trust land. 

A lot of alone time, tears and vulnerability were required of me in order to get my dirty laundry  washed. I did not like this journey and I sure did not understand it but I kept showing up and writing my experiences, emotions and thoughts. On this road I would Learn how to hear, feel, express and hope. No I was not certain which/what or who’s voice I was listening too but from my mistakes and experiences I would share don’t rush the process cleaning is messy business, allow yourself to cry and breath through the pain and laughs, don’t depend on head knowledge, true healing begins in the heart and transforms the head. 

As time went on I saw a pattern in my writing, mind you at this time reading the Bible, praying, fasting and worship as you and I have been accustomed to are still foreign to me. My pattern was in four areas Identity (who am I), relationships (connection and acceptance and home) purpose (why am I alive) finances (why do people only call me for money and why money means nothing to me). I saw the pattern but did not understand the gate that would be presented to me because the truth of the matter I did not see this pattern with my own strength, I had a habit of writing and not reading my own work because I didn’t believe in me and my capabilities but healing kept pursuing me. This would go on for sometime and in the mist of what became a lifestyle change of journaling. Healing presented obedience. 

I as many would attest, I saw obedience as submission to be someone’s puppet. God’s voice is still blur at this stage but He introduces himself to me as a husband, friend and father. Not sure about you but have you extended a hand of respect, time and honesty but it was met with comparison and judgement? Respect is a big one for me. In those three areas God would not only show me but teach me about respect, because I was uncertain of who’s voice I was paying attention to, signs such as a word or thought that has been coming up in my mind for sometime would come up in the middle of a decision I would act on that, now a transparent moment there were times I was in alignment with God’s Will and there were times I missed the mark. Remember be patient, quiet the noise inside of you and around you, ask yourself why am I eager to make a decision now – healing takes time and patience and God is not a friend to rush you, His Will is to help you see you as He sees you. His Will is to help you become the man and woman He knows you are. In saying this He won’t rush you to make decision to move on something as His Will and Priority is to gain your Trust. With some lessons gained from mistakes I would say friend obedience to God is like a marriage to your spouse, you guys have dated and desires to take the vow till death do us part, you develop systems and values for your home, you know what you are willing to tolerate and when you are willing to let go. What am I saying? God will meet you at deepest desires and struggle(s) He will introduce Himself as you allow, he knows what tore you, he knows what took your innocence . whether you allow Him to pursue is up to your timing and willingness to grow. God is a God of relationship He dates you, He is patient with you, He gives you time, He Listens, He forgives and seeks to understand, He is committed. He tells you the truth. He respects your individuality. I know this because I have experienced it. But I have not been the same for Him, I have not been patient with him, our relationship has been performance based, work and future related due to this our marriage has suffered I’ve questioned His existence, I’ve questioned His love, I’ve questioned His timing, I’ve questioned is voice. I’ve questioned my decisions, I’ve questioned my faith for our future but these one thing and one thing my eyes have been opened, what you expect out of a relationship, God desires that from you and for you. My love language is quality time and God knew that before I knew and he begun to pursue me first by writing, writing was a form of me learning how to speak my truth without being shutdown. Obedience takes Time friend, you are always going to be learning and growing if you choose to. 

Time will determine the strength of your values, something I did not have of my own. So imagine how expecting and inpatient I was. Everyday our relationship was a roller coaster. When something I expected would come to pass I would be happy, singing “Lord you a good God” “I love you Lord” “till death do us part”. On the other hand when things would go as unexpected “I probably heard the wrong voice” “God are you real” “I’m losing it” “these something wrong with me” “I’m done with this, I don’t want to talk”. Does this sound familiar to how we act toward God, self and people? In an era of fast paced movements, time has become a foreign language to many of us, but in my relationship with God and self I am constantly learning to be in the moment and enjoy what the day has. This does not mean I do not have a plan, being in the presence of God, He will not only reveal who you are, who he is to you but he will reveal your future to you. Something I didn’t know. When God would reveal the plans He had for me, I would quickly go off, make decisions and plans without talking to me, enter into relationships and deals that I would get hurt and only talk to him about my plans, my ideas, how my day was and what I expected. You see what just happened there? My husband (God) was vulnerable enough to share the plans He had for us, The people we would connect with, the places we would go and the things we would do and achieve but I have taken it as my to do list and I’ve gone out in my own strength and not the appointed timing, with head knowledge I have tried to build a puzzle that would later smack me in the face and create further distance in my relationship this time not only with God, but with self and people. 

Presence, perspective, process/preparation and patience are my four branding methods. Friend on your journey to creating generational wealth whilst confronting the generational curses I want your Spirit to reign with joy and peace. I want you to learn how to love and serve God as He loves and serves you with excellence and elegance. I want you to love your scars as you learn to love and forgive humanity. I want us as a people to unite and fight the devil together whether you are in politics, finance, entrepreneurship, education, entertainment, at home or a bar let’s fight the devil together by uniting in love. 

I’ve shared my truth to healing, as my spirit rises and roars I continue to commit to healing from the inside whilst allowing my roots of love to sync deeper into the word of God. 

I would like us to take a turn before moving forward, if you would allow

Segment ⬇️

Who is God- I can tell you who God is to me, because of the relationship I have with him. If you’ve been following through, God Appeared to me as my husband (1) remember the five year relationship had become my project and the guy was my god? (2) God appeared to me as my father because I’ve always desired to connect with my father emotionally and intellectually that led me on the road to lies and enrolling and withdrawing from many courses  (3) God appeared to me as a friend, I have a desire to connect with people not out of gossip but out of vision, dreams and ideas. I cannot share with you the theological views of God as I am still learning and asking The Holy Spirit to give me discernment of what is write and wrong. There is two many different opinions and time to argue with one’s beliefs is something I cannot afford. But what I can do is share with you my truth and pray The Holy Spirit directs my paths as I step out in faith. 

What is The Holy Spirit – The Holy Spirit is my lawyer, my business partner, my mentor, my pastor and my counsellor. The Holy Spirit is my guide to the doors and relationships ordained for me. The Holy Spirit is my teacher of good and evil, right and wrong. The Holy Spirit is my trainer both in the spirit and flesh. The Holy Spirit holds the pen as I sign on the dotted lines in hopes I am signing a document that will bring humanity together and not apart. The Holy Spirit is my parent who is teaching me the importance of your history, the importance of values, boundaries and beliefs. The importance of knowing yourself before you give yourself to work and relationships. The importance of building friendships The importance of dreaming and going after your dreams. The Holy Spirit is teaching me to discern good from evil, right from wrong as I become the woman he has called me to be. 

Why God, what is different from Him and other gods – I am choosing to go and stay with God because He found me and He chose me. He found me and chose me when I stunk the most. He found me and chose when I planned my last breath. He found me and chose me when I questioned my sexuality . He found me and listened to me without judgement and comparison. I still have along way to go in my walk with Him and life, but these not a night or day He does not pursue even when I’ve done or said mean things to Him. These not a night or day that goes by that He doesn’t say “I’m happy to see you smile precious rose”.  I’ve researched on other gods, listened and read different perspectives on religion, faith and beliefs in all those opinions my heart kept saying “Jesus”. I am committed to my union with God, trials, temptation, discomfort and persecution will come but in the trials, temptation, discomfort and persecution I’ve experienced to date these been a peace I know no man, sex, gifts, drink, work, qualification, diet,designer shoe can give me. A peace that say welcome home beautiful. 

What is the bible and how to read the Bible – as read above I struggled to read the Bible, many could say it was spiritual warfare. I will not argue nor deny. But what I will attest to The Bible is a story book to me, a story book of my life still unfolding. A story book I am familiar with the history, but keep rising up in wonder of expecting greater things ahead. When reading the bible ask God to help you see and understand what He is saying to you. Such as the weather, our seasons and days are different and I believe only God knows your history and what lies ahead of you. I’ve gone through seasons where The Holy Spirit is teaching me the difference between Religion and  Relationship just through one verse, which later developed into a chapter. I’ve gone through seasons where God would show me the importance of my physical health as I pursue spiritual health. I’ve gone through seasons where God has taught me the importance of being pure mind, body and spirit when it comes to sex. What am I saying? God knows You, God knows why He set you apart and God knows the rooms his leading you into. Allow Him to pursue you. if uncertainty or curiosity rises up don’t rush past that, stop ask The Holy Spirt to teach you and lead you writing, drawing, singing, dancing,painting, researching or speaking to a trusted person for clarity. A nugget I can give you, be patient with yourself, stop comparing your journey to the next person, as you do not know their heart posture and the season they are in. God knows you better than you, I’ve gone to the bible saw a scripture pop up and gone and signed deals that were not in Gods Will for me, why did I sign those wrong deals and put Gods name on them “thanks Lord for this deal” I did it in good will, I saw the potential and what I could do with the deal but what I didn’t do is return to the basics be still, quiet the noise inside of you and around you, allow time and ask God what are the motives to the deal and is it Gods best for me. Not everything good with potential is God’s best for you and notice I went back to what I can do with the deal. I say this to say your motives are important yes the devil knows the word of God and the devil knows your calling and your desires. Hence prayer is a vital weapon in proclaiming The Kingdom Of God. 

What is prayer, I remember during my season of bible college, the other students would pray these massive long prayers and all I could say was “thank you God for the day”. I desperately wanted to pray like the students at bible college or the pastor at church. I would sit on YouTube studying how people prayed, tone, words and actions. I would mimic and see no results in my life. Out of frustration I said “Lord I want to pray please teach me”. My journey of prayer begun with interceding for others (standing in the gap). I would get frustrated when I saw or they came back and told me their had results. This would lead to a roller coaster of me saying “Lord I don’t want to be like the prayer people who pray for people and yet they lives go no way”. Clearly I heard The Holy Spirit “Travonna Louzel Samuels, what are your motives”. Now by this time I knew when The Holy Spirit says my identification name he wanted us to confront a generational curse. A curse that has plagued my lineage and it’s all in the mind “Travonna Louzel Samuels Your Thoughts Are a Prayer My Girl”. I did not know what that meant and how to change and break this curse. The Holy Spirit led me to knowing what Worship is. 

What is Worship – up until this point “Travonna Louzel Samuels, Your Thoughts Are a Prayer My girl” I thought Worship was a music genre such as Hillsong or Elevation. But I thought wrong. The Holy Spirit would soon teach me true worship is a way of living mind, body and spirit. True worship is commitment to one. Remember my relationship in the five year relationship? And my relationship with God, The questioning and seconding guessing and words of exchange? Yep those very things were my true worship my actions where accustomed to now being a robbort/performance but deep within me I had a different meaning and motive. These the truth that will set my lineage free, we have pure intentions to love, serve and give but unfortunately we turned to idols in a quest for answers, we turned to fear based decisions that only separated us further and brought the enemy in closer. We turned to praying people in the quest to seek and obey God as a result we do not have a strong foundation in faith and family because praying people have become a source instead of God and God himself being The Source. The Holy Spirit leading me to confront what I worshiped up to this point (my thoughts) changed the way I saw People. The fear of people was broken off of me, the judgement of people was broken off of me, the fear to express myself and tell my truth was broken off of me, the fear to step out on faith into opportunities and relationships in fear of being hurt or disobeying God was broken off of me. The moment I surrendered and said “I Lord let’s go to the root of it all, the mind, teach my thoughts to align with your Will for me”. Is this road easy absolutely not. It’s like a garden of roses, with thorns and weeds but each day is a decision to do some gardening. When you attack the root of all your disfunctions in life, your expectations are no longer dependant on people, performance, opportunities and money. When you deal with the root there is a different kind of peace, remember when I said “be still, quiet the noise inside of you and around you” when you make a decision to commit to One and divorce all idols every decision you make will align with the Will Of God not because you are perfect but because you are Committed to One during the trials, temptation, discomfort and Persecution You are committed to One. 

What is fasting- do you want to call me an emotional eater or a foodie? Fasting was and still is a challenge for me. Working I’ve got a snack, Social I’ve got a snack and working out I’ve got a snack. I enjoy experimenting with food. Tastes, textures and presentation, in my mind I’m between a photographer and designer when it comes to food. But through prayer I am constantly asking, The Holy Spirit to help me overcome this battle. So let’s go on the journey of learning to conquer these and many battles for the lineage coming behind us to run a better race. 

I HAD TO TAKE ABREAK FROM WRITING, I’VE BEEN TESTED, before entering the promise land, you will be tempted and tested with the things that have been defeated. This season of testing really got me to the point of why and how? This season really got me to the point of asking am I the one for the job? Hopefully you’ve been following along with me, if you haven’t The spirit of my journey is my heart, my heart desires to know the truth and live it out. Up until this point I rarely stopped and asked WHY, if the nudge, word or idea would come up, I would jump and just do without questioning WHY, sounds fimilar to my years before Christ. I was a born again Christian, striving to serve and obey God and in the mist of the journey I became dependent, I would not move without hearing God, I would literally not make a decision if I didn’t hear God clearly. 

Prophetic words “Holy Spirit” 

“Why aren’t you seeing your prayers answered? Your thoughts, words and actions aren’t aligning. Such as the nerves that send signals to the brain. Your words are the signal that send information to The Holy Spirit. And when your thoughts and actions don’t align your words have no power. Pick what you want and stick to it even when times are difficult. You are not going back to Egypt (that is the true root of wanting to get a job, the things you see running out it’s me saying we are going higher to better things), but I am making a way for you. I’m not having you put this program and site together for no reason. You are an entrepreneur and a storyteller it’s time for you to serve me in your true calling. The choice is yours now. By end of September you will be walking in boardrooms. Not as an employee but an employer with a voice and authority. The choice is yours, will you settle and live as an employee, renting and borrowing people’s cars, dressing in material that does not celebrate the work we’ve done from within. Or will you wait on me, will you seek me day and night in the word for you need that where I am sending you. Will you change your lifestyle and eat as I suggest. Will you trust me with your finances and invest in yourself, you are my temple after all. Don’t worry about the noise you hear around you. Seek me and watch what happens it’s 20 August today 2019, I say by this time next month September 2019 you will walk and sit in rooms ordained for you as an employer not an employee. But you have to make the decision Thoughts, words and actions to seek me, serve me and obey me. It’s on you Travonna Louzel Samuels. Signing off The Holy Spirit.”  

Teach me Lord! 

This sounds easy, but the fight has been difficult, I’ve found myself sleeping on a mattress, in a suburb I was once building in a few years ago, I’ve found myself with barely any clothes, I’ve found myself without a car, I’ve found myself living off Centrelink. My character and integrity has been questioned, I’ve walked past people as they gossiped about me and later kiss me on the cheek. It’s safe to say my spirit was running low, unbelief was louder, I could not stand worship music, prayer or sermons. I mean I knew my calling, I’ve said Yes to you God, I believe I’m obeying you, every door I’m knocking on is not opening, I’m striving not to allow the noise get me off track. I struggled in this season! I turned back to old habits, emotion eating, telling people what they wanted to hear and applying for jobs. 

We all have a different Red Sea to cross, but my 40years in Egypt was tested. I remember one Saturday morning going to fetch my aunty from her hotel, the Holy Spirit said “play worship music” on my way to the hotel I played worship and God’s presence was full and I was in my element ready for war, when I pulled up to the hotel the holy spirit said ” on your way back play worship music”, I said okay to silent Him, but He knew my heart, when we were back toward the car, The Holy Spirit said “play worship music” I didn’t I was embarrassed to be me, cause I know what happens when I’m in the spirit. The same evening after returning my aunty to her hotel, I played worship music, a few tears were shed, my mind did not catch it, but my heart caught why I was crying. The Holy Spirit was quiet but spoke through Lecrae “Outsiders”. 

Prior this, my aunty whom I had not seem or spoken to for over 8years left me with the words, “focus on yourself Travonna, find you and don’t worry about anybody else”. Those very words the Holy Spirit had been saying for two months and I never stopped to ask what does focusing on Travonna look like or feel like. My focus was on survival and getting to next but I could not get to next without focusing on me. That Saturday night after 10pm “Outsiders” by Lecrae comes on The Holy Spirit say “shh listen”, I dropped my kms and listened word for word “okay Lord, I’m done lying to myself, I’m done hiding you”. 

Instantly the flow returned, my anointing, my vision, my perspective returned. I could not wait to get to the house and write. But I returned with a listening ear and a child’s mind. 

Lord please teach my mind, emotions and words to align with your Will? 

“Travonna when you got baptised your Spirit was made new, but your mind and emotions (your will) require a lifetime commitment to the Holy Spirit in order for you to access The Kingdom Of God on earth, there is no point in me giving you the promises I have for you when your mind and emotions are not strong enough to manage them. I care about your deliverance Travonna, your being is more important to me than your doing. I care about you more than I care about your service, surrender your mind and emotions to me daily and stop hiding me, you know you, you know me, let’s get to work.” 

In order for me to access next I must focus on me, in order to focus on me I must be in alignment with the Holy Spirit. In order for me to be in alignment with the Holy Spirit I must seek him in prayer, fasting, worship, the word, time and vulnerability intentionally. In order to Now my Next I must not hide the Holy Spirit. 

“Travonna, I’ve called you to be a communicator, I know your history, I know you are afraid, but I have prepared you, it is all on the inside of you. That is why we spent so many years in silence and isolation, I was preparing you. Now don’t hind the light within you. Your Tribe is waiting for you. I am waiting for you”. 

Lord which are my rooms 

Purpose- communicator fun and faith 

Audience – youth, young adults and families 

Genres- every sphere go and be great, have fun with it

Mission- Serve and Obey only one God

Wow, looking at my portfolio above, my history dims me as unqualified and zero experience for my gift. History does not demonstrate that I have the skills or talents for my gift. But yet the Holy Spirit say “but what she has, is, the spirit of her journey”. 

Everyday is a new day of learning to surrender and trust God as I focus on myself and commit to only him. 

As I go after my dreams to be an author and producer, i am learning to forgive myself for not knowing any better. I am learning to forgive myself for growing up quickly, I am learning to forgive myself for not trusting and believing in myself. In doing this I would like to create a movement for people to BE. To be in the moment and not live a life of survival and fear. Thus based on identity and entrepreneurship to a program. This is a program like no other. Program with a homely atmosphere. A program whereby you will believe you are sitting at my kitchen table and having dinner with me. A program that focuses on you being. I will not compromise myself or the God I serve. I am a worshiper, I am a prayer warrior, I am an intercessor, I am a discerner and I am a visionary. I will not compromise the investment God has made in me. I will serve only one God, mind, emotions, words and actions. 

Entrepreneurship 

Do not forget God when He launches you into your field, yes life will get busy, a lot of learning and unlearning to do, hurt and misunderstanding will occur but remember your secret place. Everything God was asking you to do and not do is vital for your field. If vulnerability and journaling is what you did apart of preparation, best believe you will do that in your field. For you journaling may seem useless, but for myself journaling is necessary as I’m still learning to express myself without boarders in the safety of the presence of God. This being said, 

You are an entity, everything inside of you is creating something on earth and it all depends on what you put inside of you physically intellectually mentally spiritually emotionally financially and relationally and socially.

Nothing is wasted with God, your past may have not prepared you in your God ordained gifts or in your authentic selfs talents and skills, but God does not waste anything. Everything you did or learnt in the past God will use it as a launching pad to move you into your field. If you were excellent in customer service, cleaning, babysitting, cooking, sales, negotiation whatever it maybe God will give you a thought/vision/dream for your launch. The thought may not be glamorous, but remember it’s your launch, be faithful in the small and do it unto the Lord not man. If fear was something that once controlled you, and, determined your decisions, may I encourage you to jump and trust God, trials will come, the road has potholes but go and trust God. If you jump and get hurt you know who’s walking beside you always be in prayer, worship, fasting, the word of God, vulnerable, journaling, in order to know Gods Will for you in this Season. 

*My launch – (how did you launch into storytelling social media and entrepreneurship home services businesses start) 

*many of us at some point of time in life have thought “if I have more money I can do so much for myself, family and humanity”. May I argue and say the more you invest in yourself the better you attract people. Friend it is through your relationships doors will open. Relationships are keys and you and I are moving into a time where people have no time to tolerate lies and fake. The more you are authentic and invest in your life (7-8 areas) the better your life be. But I must stress do not make the mistake of worshiping and bowing down to people. Develop a relationship with Christ, He will lead you to the doors, He will teach you the difference between an assignment, friend and counterfeit. This journey is fun, especially when you know your purpose, Christ and self every door that opens or shuts will not only lead you to Development from within – mind, body and spirit but will develop your craft. 

This was going to be apart of my book which would later turn into a program. The time of writing this material, June – September 2019, I was in a dark place. Recently The Holy Spirit said “I waste nothing, post that as My Fight out of Religion into Healing.” To be honest it’s still difficult for me to read, so I’ll leave it here and allow The Holy Spirit to minister to you.