Food is how I once expressed myself, whether a celebration or misunderstanding food was always a reach away for me. Food was home! 

So many of us associate homelessness as physically without having a place to sleep which is true. At what point will we tackle emotional, mental, spiritual, intellectual, relational, financial and social homelessness?  Don’t misunderstand me, physical homelessness still needs to be tackled and tackled it shall be. 

Finding home in food was my safe place to at least try and express myself. After awhile, what used to numb the pain and bring comfort actually contributes to your brokenness. 

Everyone is a soul that needs a safe place to BE. 

So many of us leave our residence of up bringing in a quest to break away from the unresolved conflict, misunderstandings, comparison, rejection, abandonment and the abuse of power and authority. In our attempt to escape emotionally from the pain. We usually grab the closest thing. For me it was food.

 Sweets and desserts symbolised unity and love for me. Curries (in particular a oxtail curry) symbolised connection or home and joyful truth (joyful truth – actually having a laugh out of truth (love) and not laughing at ones past(s) flaws or choices). I did not know this at the time of my actions. Spend time with The Holy Spirit, and you will know what motives your lifestyle choices. 

Dad makes the dopest oxtail curry and when he came from his swing from work (Fly in Fly out) (1) I made sure mum had bought oxtail (2) Before dad flew back I would request an oxtail curry. In my young mind, there was hope for connection, it gave dad and I something to talk about. At this point I knew how he made his oxtail curry but after Church (2016-2018) I would ask him how he made it. It was my own way of creating dialogue. 

Mum, she has a gift when it comes to the kitchen. Back in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, she used to make the best chocolate cake. My memories of the cake making process were fun to the extent where the neighbours children would come in and join. During the baking process I was my mum’s wing person, I was the assistant, I managed the process and the people. 

This past weekend rejection came and dined with me. I can see God moving in my relationship with my mum, both of us are learning how to express ourselves without hurting one another. Both of us are learning how to listen and gain understanding without judging one another by our past actions. It’s a process that requires Time and Patience. I am only allowing this process because The Holy Spirit showed me my mother’s heart posture. She and I have not had the conversation of how we’ve hurt one another but The Holy Spirit has shown me her heart posture, she desires a relationship wth me and I desire a relationship with her. 

This past weekend was a great weekend for my family. My cousin welcomed her first baby. The room was filled with laughs and excitement. The laughs and excitement in the room were pure. There was no judging, gossiping and comparing one another. There was no name calling. At one point I even sat on my mum’s lap. That’s how comfortable I was. 

My expectations were fuelled by my emotions and thoughts of what if this could happen everyday. 

Sunday we made our return back to the hospital, mum wanted to be present as my cousin was delivering. However I had spoken to my cousins partner and she appeared to have time before she delivered, along with that my cousin had mentioned her friend was going to be in the delivery room. 

On our way, my little sister reminded me to pick up my cousins friend. On the drive to my cousins friends house and on the way to the hospital I was reintroduced to “you are just like your father.” Mum was referring to being inpatient!  Mum wanted me to take another route. The Holy Spirit patiently “be still, say no word”. I respected The Holy Spirit. My brother, (my cousins partner) phones to ask how far we are, as the contractions were increasing, to my response, 10minutes. I put on my hazard lights and I drove 80 or a 60 yet again “you are like your father you are stubborn.” The way my mother wanted us to go usually has speed cameras with roundabouts. 

At this point all hats were off, I was not interested in what The Holy Spirit had to say. The lion was ready to attack! At this point of my journey with The Holy Spirit, He has a way of showing me this fight is bigger than me, so my voice lowered and in my response I said “are you aware I’m trying not to be like my dad? I am aware I resemble him and unfortunately I resemble the qualities that have blocked him from many doors, are you aware?”. 

My mum’s response was simple yet powerful, “well you should say something.” 

That response showed no thought! (Discernment- wait, listen, seek to understand, process and respond).

The leaves are back again. Rejection, misunderstood, comparison and abandonment. I withdrew, in the room that just 6hours ago i had Identified as excitement and laughs. Sunday 6am I identified as isolated and lonely. 

At the hospital bathroom I sat there for a good 10minutes, I could hear everyone laugh. Rightfully so! My niece had arrived. But I could not ignore what had just happened. 

I don’t know about you, but I can only fake it for so long and on my journey to healing from within  The Holy Spirit will not allow me to ignore my emotions for He and I know if I ignore my emotions the pain increases and my perspective toward humanity shifts immediately and that’s exactly what happened.

I came out of the bathroom and became the photographer and videographer, I stood back as everyone stood near mother and child and I found myself entertaining a selfish thought “if only mum could be that close to me.” “I wonder if me having children will bring us closer.” 

As we left the hospital, to allow my cousin to rest, I heard, 

The Holy Spirit “Do you want to talk” 

My response “No!” 

The Holy Spirit “Precious Rose, is there something you want to say” 

Me “no!” 

Thereafter I requested breakfast. The healing me should have discerned immediately that I needed to address something as soon as I found myself driving thru a fast food outlet. I personally cannot stand fast food! Quality, Presentation, Texture and Process matter to me. 

We arrived home and I remained in the room overwhelmed with unfiltered emotions and thoughts. I entertained myself on social media. It’s not to say I could not hear The Holy Spirit pursue me to talk. I could hear Him pursue me, however I allowed my unfiltered emotions and thoughts fuelled with past events have they way.

 I truly wanted to address my pain, but I wanted to address it with my mum rather than The Holy Spirit. So that afternoon I spent the afternoon frustrated. Our drive back to the hospital from getting my sister from her fiancé’s place, The Holy Spirit had said prior, to go a particular route and my mum suggested to take a certain exit. On my approach to take the exit my mum had suggested, I found myself an exhilaration away from an accident.

 My spirit collapsed, I was done! we got to the hospital. In the same room as mother and child there was another bed, I made home on that bed. Along with the leaves from the morning, frustration and the near miss accident. I was done emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was done. I had nothing left in me. On that bed I found myself observing everyone laughing, talking and joking and here I was on a warm day, cold and shivering, I hear The Holy Spirit “go to the bathroom” 

I went! “I do not want you to say a word from now on, be silent. Sit on the bed and say nothing.”

 Ohhh I obeyed but the damage had been done. In my emotional expectations I got so excited about the moment from Saturday, I wanted to replay it on Sunday and when no one caught up to my script whilst I failed to obey The Holy Spirit, my scars reopened. 

My younger sister requested Krispy Kreme donuts on our way back to the house, I had a choice to make, a donut or The Bible. 

I left the donut, I opened my Bible, then I heard “Stop, your motives are impure. This is not going to be a quick fix process. Decisions need to be made. Do not ever abuse my word by self medicating yourself with the word. You will come to the word with a pure heart. We need to talk.” 

Me, “I don’t know what to say, I’m hurting and I don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I’m scared.” That Sunday in that hospital room somethings were said that signified control and I found myself panicking and wondering if history would repeat itself. Curled up on the hospital bed I found myself strategising my next move. I found myself finding ways to protect myself from the bullets called words. Words that everyone but myself was laughing to. It all sounded like a song everyone was agreeing to but myself. 

In bed, (this is back in the house) I call a friend, The Holy Spirit “open up to him, I’ve got you” I feared! 

In the mist of talking to my friend, I was speaking to The Holy Spirit “I’m scared”. 

You see up until this moment I had never shared my raw emotions. If ever I shared with someone it was from a place (I’ve overcame this, now this is how I can help, let me introduce you to The Holy Spirit.”.  With peace from The Holy Spirit, I shared with transparency about my day. That moment of sharing was enough for me to sleep. 

Monday temptation from the donut and yesterday’s leaves were present. Ohh as I write this now, The Holy Spirit allowed me to share my heart with my friend as my friends heart posture is to obey God and to know Gods Will for his life. If The Holy Spirit had not shown me his heart posture, silence is my code! 

Detour* someone else would have said this is bad luck or witchcraft. But do you realise the issue? Discernment and Disobedience. So many of us give the devil power simply because we will not take responsibility for our disobedience. Argh it’s not a teaching moment Travonna, tell your story.

Okay, I’m back 

Before my relationship with The Holy Spirit, I spent 3 times to 2 hours a day at the gym seven days a week. I’ve been on every diet on the market before all these fancy names were thought of. My weight, body image and emotions were all over the place. My extreme dieting moment was in 2014, all I ate was apples and peanut butter 24/7, I practically lived at the gym. At restaurants my order was always a caesar salad and water. Writting this paragraph itself is putting me to sleep. Life was boring compared to now. 

After my emergency moment in 2017 “Change your lifestyle” and a fall, The Holy Spirit and I have been on a journey of eating and living pure. I might do a teaching on that. 

These a lot to take away from this post, well if you’ve come with the intention of learning to discern. First I would like you to pay attention to my wording, language and tone as I describe my weekend. I would suggest you invite The Holy Spirit to help you in discerning. Do you see the shift? 

What you don’t know is Monday I had a meeting. Prior to the weekend, The Holy Spirit had shared with me to attend a meeting with a particular individual, in that meeting I discerned the individual was doing what God wanted them to do, but they decisions (details) were fuelled by unhealed pain. At the end of the meeting the individual said “God has put us together for a reason” I smiled and left. 

The weekend came and I was spending time with God for me (no questions about anything or anyone, but just being in the presence of God and waiting for Him to speak). “Your work is to teach “the individuals name” how to do business in a way that glorifies me, “individuals name” is in pain and they decisions in business and life will hurt them and those near to them.” 

That was settled, when I went to the hospital I knew my work for Monday. But when Monday came I could not respond to this particular individual. The Holy Spirit would not allow me. My delivery in my words would distract the healing process God is already doing within this person. 

So my disobedience on the weekend paused Gods appointed time. Along with that conversation my disobedience reopened wounds that led to confusion as on Monday, two bold fellows had the courage to contact me and say “Travonna I believe you are my wife and begun to prophecy things the Lord has not told me in my quiet time with Him.” A part of me began reverting “Lord have I missed the mark, have I not been hearing from you?” I did not pause, to hear what The Holy Spirit had to say.  I found myself searching on YouTube for “October 2019, prophetic words” This time His voice was loud “What are you doing Travonna Louzel Samuels, do you not know my voice, Do you not know me?” He was angry! “Go to bed”. 

Well, I am on a journey alright, I decided to obey and put this last part of paragraph in to simply show you that for us that say we have a relationship with God, who see and hear from Him can also miss the mark. 

So often we get caught up in the moment of service that we forget to Seek first the Kingdom of God for ourselves. So often we find ourselves focused on our assignments we lose track of our healing process. So often we allow our old habits to influence the new creation and share out of experience rather than discernment.

 In the mist of The Holy Spirit pursuing us to change our ways, we determine it to be a spiritual attack yet in all actuality it’s God saying “you are slipping.” And when our eyes finally open, unfortunately we’ve hurt someone, people, God and ourselves. Please forgive us! 

Develop your own relationship with The Holy Spirit and stop relying or looking to a person or sermon for what only God can give you. The messages you see or hear should only prove as an encouragement on your pursuit to purpose. We as a people should only be the transport and not be The Source. 

The same way I receive and communicate with The Holy Spirit is also possible for you. Just like any relationship, you need to be intentional in order to get to know the person. The same applies with The Holy Spirit. 

If touch is important to you go into worship, worship is not a song. Worship is a lifestyle (the way you choose to live your life. Every decision matters) invite The Holy Spirit in every area of your life and you will get the touch you desire. May I add you won’t want to let go after you experience The Holy Spirits touch. 

If quality time is important to you, invite The Holy Spirit on your run, allow a conversation and be present in the moment. Allow The Holy Spirit to sweep you away to a different destination. You might learn something new about yourself. You might confront a fear that has been blocking you from your next door. 

If gifts are important to you, sit down ask The Holy Spirit what He desires you to do with your finances this coming fourth night, so many of us are tithing and giving out of fear and not love, at every word we hear we give and when we don’t see a result we drift away from God (I will dive into this soon). 

If words of encouragement or words in general are important to you, maybe these something you need to confront that you are ignoring. I believe only The Holy Spirit can help you trace the why to your what. 

If community is what you desire, why aren’t you inviting The Holy Spirit in every conversation you are having? So many of us are worshiping and serving people rather than One God. 

*This blog post is not sponsored by Krispy Kreme Donuts, but you know what Krispy Kreme Donuts Myaree, let’s talk business. I like The Kookies and Kreme Donut ohh and the limited Golden Gaytime, I can work with that. Please don’t send nothing without the inner filling* 

Contact management at Work@willardkachere.com

Manager- Willard – cool but busy bloke! Place “Travonna” as your subject

Whenever The Holy Spirit uses my full identification name “Travonna Louzel Samuels” these a generational curse/cycle that needs to uproot. I’ll see you at “My fight out of Religion into Healing.” 

See you soon 🌹